Faking an orgasm is similar to lying to your doctor and repeatedly stating, “Yes, those drugs worked,” because you want them to feel like they did a good job. When, in fact, you are not improving their ability to practice medicine. You are instilling in them negative habits. And you remain ill.

WHY DID I CREATE ILLUSORY ORGASMS?

Avoid scowling. I had my justifications.

I desired the happiness of those partners. I desired that they felt fantastic. I desired that they felt secure. Which is, in fact, absurd. Because, in the end, it benefited no one.

I didn’t want to feign orgasms, but I felt compelled to. I was experiencing the repercussions of the culturally conditioned assumption that my partner’s orgasm, pleasure, and pride were more significant than mine during those early years of lovemaking. They were more significant as individuals than I was. After all, they were men of the cisgender. I needed to ensure they felt connected.

GUILT, GUILT, GUILT…

Additionally, I felt guilty. Guilty that their penises failed to make me feel anything when all of their doubts and anxieties about “becoming a guy” were encased in that vessel that did not appeal to me. I was certain it wasn’t a matter of size. I’d had both large and small, and all sizes seemed underwhelming.

And after we finished having sex, my boyfriend would invariably glance up at me, his eyes sparkling with nervous hope, and inquire, “did you come?” And I’d nod my head, avert his stare, and wonder what the matter was. Worse even would be the nights when he would whisper, “come for me, immediately!” as if his voice alone has magical properties. What was I supposed to do? Give him a blank stare and shrug your shoulders? I had no idea that some ladies are unable to have orgasms only from penetration.

And, of course, I attempted to coerce myself into coming during sex. However, it was never successful. I was perplexed as to why my clitoris, which was so predictable and trustworthy during solo play, would not carry me anywhere when another player was there. When I was alone, I could reach the location in less than 15 seconds and then repeat. However, during sex, I could be intrigued and aroused, but an orgasm would be a long shot.

Naturally, once you begin faking orgasms, it’s nearly impossible to stop. Not unless and until you admit your deception.